Minimizing Conflict: Tips from a Parent
by Kelli Kennison, parent and professional
health outreach coordinator, Columbia, South
Carolina
Kelli
Kennison, Lisea’s Mom, talks about how her
family dealt with some of
the issues this month's Parents'
Corner writers, Edward and Marie, are
facing.We started Lisea
on the computer at a young age,
with email and restricted access, and we’ve
talked with her about
safety. Gradually, she has earned additional
privileges and access as
she continues to make good decisions and seems
to be safe. We’ve talked
to her about the fact that she doesn’t
necessarily know who she’s
talking to; her answers demonstrated that she
was careful.
We
try to get familiar with the technology
ourselves, so we can provide
proper oversight to our daughter. (See the
specific recommendations,
below.)
Talking with other parents
helps too. I’ve noticed
that girls’ parents seem more concerned about
who their children might
meet online, while with boys, the concern
seems more about going to
sites with pornography. Bullying online cuts
across both.
I’ve
also talked with some teachers who were
concerned about the language or
views being expressed online. I don’t know how
many parents go on
MySpace and look around, but we all should.
A
Text-Based Scare
We
had a situation last year. I got a couple of
strange texts in the
middle of the day from Lisea. The first was:
Please come get me from
school after my math class.
I thought,
“Hmm, does she just need some extra sleep?” But
the next was: Please come get me!
I
texted her back and asked why. She responded
that there was a gun at
school. So then I was flying to the school. It
turns out there was no
gun, but they found a bullet in the boys’
bathroom. The kids were
texting each other—this was not long after the
Virginia Tech
shooting—and the story changed as it went
around.
That gave me the
indication that they are probably texting at
school, more than we know.
The
reality is that kids are connected to each
other pretty much all the
time. I think our job as parents is to accept
that, and set limits that
we think are reasonable.
Kelli’s Recommendations
I’ve found that where possible, it’s a lot easier to start with stricter rules than to impose rules later on.
Wireless Phone
- My wireless provider has a “smart limits” parental program, so I can limit the minutes, number of texts, and even who she can call or text at certain times of night (only her parents and grandparents on school nights). It’s automatic, so I don’t have to ask, there’s no discussion—that reduces a lot of conflict.
- Be sure to block international calling, and check your text limits. These can be costly.
- I have tried to help Lisea learn to be a more responsible consumer by having her call and ask about charges that show up on the bill and deal with problems related to the phone.
Internet
- I use the parental controls from my Internet provider, which suggests age-appropriate limits for usage, email, chatting, IMing etc.
- Even with these controls, Lisea could access inappropriate sites—which means it is really good to continually monitor usage when kids are very young. I also get a report of the sites she's visited.
- The time limit controls are very useful. Using that means I don't have to continually ask her to get off; she is logged off at the end of her time limit (one hour on school nights). This can save a lot of fights!
