FROM THE EXPERTS | Beyond Sticks and Stones: Dealing with Severe Cyberbullying

Q&A with Therapist Julie Guido, Part Two

Julie, you mentioned that there was a severe cyberbullying case that stood out in your work as a school therapist. Can you tell us about it and what we can learn from it?

I worked with a twelfth grader who was bullied in seventh, eighth and ninth grades to such a degree that she was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). She had some issues before the bullying, including anxiety, but the bullying tipped her over the edge. When she came to my school, she was showing signs of social phobia.

This student was getting harassed via cell phone calls, texts and instant messages, and rumors were posted about her on MySpace and Xanga. It was nonstop. 

In the old days of messages on the bathroom wall, teachers could see the anger and venom and paint over them—cyberbullying is something that follows teens. It is like an invisible force that can pop up at any time, anywhere.

Checking their Websites, texts and IMs can become a masochistic thing that teens do to themselves, hoping it will change somehow. Parents and adults must intervene—because how many kids can exert the kind of self-restraint it takes to not check what others are doing/saying about them?

What are the best ways to respond to bullying, and how did it work for this student?

We had to start from scratch: identifying feelings, learning how to talk about what was really going on and doing hard work on how to let go of the pain of her middle school years.

Responses to bullying generally break down into three approaches: mediation with adults, standing up or blocking the aggressor.  The high school senior tried the latter extremes. Standing up to the bullies backfired. I worked with her to help her come up with a decision that she ultimately chose for herself: she decided to let go of these relationships and start over. Instead of letting others control her self-image, she was able—with the help of adults—to cut all ties. It was extremely hard.

Now, she’s an adult and in college. She’s one of the healthiest people I know. She has had years of therapy and medication, and has come through it a very self-aware and hard working young lady. She knows she can get through crises.  She was in favor of her story being told for purposes of helping others.

We’ve had other situations at the school where the staff didn’t know about the bullying until it was very intense; and by then it became too late for mediation. One tenth-grade student changed schools, and we as staff felt terrible because she didn’t get to resolve the bullying. That will stay with her forever. It was a huge lesson for the school; there is now more focus on awareness and prevention.

How can parents/guardians and schools intervene with bullies?

First, there must be compassion for these bullies. They are hurting and feel the need to hurt back. They need structure, guidance and swift consequences with plans for concrete changes. Therapeutic intervention may be needed to work with bully and victim respectively.  

Parents/guardians and schools can take away or restrict all luxury items that are used in bullying—for example, limiting computer usage to schoolwork (monitored at school and at home) or curtailing wireless phone privileges. Depending on the child and the severity and intent to harm, bullies can be encouraged to send a sincere letter to the victim acknowledging responsibility, what it must feel like to be bullied and lessons learned. Restricted access to friends who are “accompanying bullies” would also be indicated for the bully.  These are the kids giving a bully power and encouragement, helping to promote a snowball effect.

I would want to see signs of some empathy or compassion before letting up on consequences.  Working with the bully to create a plan that demonstrates to parents/teachers that he/she “gets it” can work. This is the bully’s time for a “do-over” of sorts—although you can’t take away the scars left behind, you can move forward positively and work on building more positive, honest relationships in the future. Follow-through by adults is crucial.

Adults cannot intervene if they don’t know about it.  Think about it—as a parent/guardian, would you want to know if your son/daughter was bullying someone?  If the answer is “yes” then you also know that parents need to be more comfortable communicating with each other and teachers need to make the time to inform parents if they suspect more than just a casual conflict between students.

Julie Guido, LCSW-C, is a therapist who has 15 years of experience working in middle and high schools and in private practice with children ages 6 to 18. She lives in Pennsylvania with her husband and four children.